And We Call This Gun Hi, Bob
 
 
Yes, hello. I'm calling to place an order 
for some moo-goo-- for some moo-goo-- This 
isn't That Chinese Place. You, you say this 
is the number to Free Advice for Writing 
Better Poetry According to the Manual Which 
Has Been Passed Down to Us for the Greater 
Good of-- What, what was that? The Greater 
Good of All. That's quite a name. The FA-
FWBPATTMWHBPDTUFTGGOA for, for short. And, 
and whom do I have the honor of speaking to, 
at the FAFWB-- at the Free Advice for All? 
You say you've recently changed your name. 
What, what was it-- From Dr. Meng-- Oh, yes-- 
Well, yes-- Changing that to something less 
offen-- Now your name is Himmler. Well,
I hope, I hope that works out for you. So,
there's no moo-goo-- No. What, what kind
of advice do you usually give? Poetic. 
You give poetic advice. Your advice rhymes?
Sometimes. You, you give advice on poetry.
I should, I should read a hundred thousand 
poems before I ever write a line. Is, is 
there a list? There's a list. No, no-- 
Well, do TV jingles count? Most children 
see 50000 thirty-second commercials a year.
Well, many of them contain lyric. Those,
those don't count. And modern music? No,
no go. No moo-goo and no go. You kindly
advocate metered verse. Why, why metered?
It's what came first. You don't, you don't 
think that's a little pedantic? We're, we're 
all an hour past the dawn of literacy--
That egg has hatched and shat. Just, just 
you. What, what do you think of semiotics? 
What, what do I mean by semiotics? Allow, 
allow me to illustrate. No, don't hang up.
Allow me to think aloud. A piece, a piece
of high-calibre human thought, be it art 
or science, is already known by its reper--
repercussions. Its signature. By virtue
of its being high-calibre. How many vari-
ations of Hamlet have I already seen, never
having read Hamlet? Well, no-- I've read 
Joyce. If you see Kaye. None of those count. 
They are not on the list. They are not 
in the manual. Well. Sudoku. I said Sudoku. 
Metered verse. No. As in, no better than. 
Still there? I thought, I thought the line
was dead. What other advice do you give?
Put aside, put aside poems for up to five 
years before revising. You actua-- You, 
you do. That only just seems patently wrong. 
This, this problem is too hard. I, I know!
I'll solve it by not doing it, not thinking 
about it-- I'll sculpt the same way. Why,
nothing but dried lumps of clay. At least,
they'll be concrete? Oh-- Rarely, if ever,
use abstraction. More advice? But language
is abstraction. Run, concrete dog, run. 
Not abstract? All of thought is abstract. 
Eyes closed conception. There are levels
of removal. Modes, types and paradigms. 
Toads in the sub-sublime. What? Was that, 
was that a non sequitur? All art bases itself
upon history, you say. And I, I say history 
is ever medias in res. Oh. Writing is appro-
priation, and one, one can not appropriate 
what does not historically exist. Oh. Oh!
You advocate splicing cliche, with cliche!
Old metaphor brought up-to-date. Yester-
year's movie remade. You call that writing? 
You, you do. Anything else? Poetry lives
or dies on its own merit. Well, well that, 
that I think I agree with. Mostly. Except, 
poems aren't living things. They are words.
A reader lives or dies on their own merit.
All readers deserve to die. Oh, ok? Good.
Good, goodby-- 
 
 
   --He-hello? Oh, yes-- Hello, Mr. Lincoln. 
Yes, Abe, we've talked before. No, Abe. Abe! 
I really, really don't want to speak to Hitler. 
Yes, Abe-- I know every, I know everyone's 
dressed as a woman. Abe? Abe, are there, are 
there any real women there? I, I see. Good, 
goodbye now, Abe. Yes, Abe-- Moo, moo-goo, 
moo-goo goodbye to you, too.